Rocky is a chili maestro, a master of spice and simmer, crafting bowls of fiery perfection that could make a grown man weep—with joy or pain, depending on his tolerance. But when he’s not stirring the pot (literally), he’s stirring up complaints about every restaurant he visits, convinced that no one knows how to season anything properly. To add insult to injury, no one ever seems to remember his name, despite his undeniable charm and the fact that, according to him, he’s a bonafide star of his boy band as well as the silver screen—after midnight, on Cinemax, in movies that may or may not require a very specific subscription to view.

Jonny is a culinary wizard by day, slinging gourmet dishes with the precision of a Michelin-starred madman. But when the kitchen closes, he trades his apron for fishnets, leather, and a teased-out wig as the frontman of Steel Magnolia, the only 80s hair metal tribute band with more eyeliner than talent. His performances are legendary—at least in his own mind—but his wife remains unimpressed, especially when he insists on wearing leopard-print spandex to PTA meetings. As a result, Jon spends more nights on the couch than in his own bed, a fate he accepts with the same rockstar bravado he brings to every power ballad.